Gimmee dat kumputer! Yew r telling dis all wrong yew brainless 2 leg. Now git dis strate. I am not sweet! An my name is NOT da cat. It is da King. Seems ta me at 1 time my name mite huv ben Pierre, and fer awhile it wuz Scat, but fer da last few years I huv been da King, an don't nobody fergit it. Dere ain't no Alpha Dogs on dis block, only an Alpha cat, an I'm it. I'm da King here an all whut live here r my subjects.
Now dat we got dat settled, lemme tell whut really happened yisturday. I think I'm gettin da hang of dis here kumputer now.
I got up at dawn as usual an headed over to da young 2 legs house. Dey leave early an fill up da breakfust bowl round daybreak. It wuz empty, dadblast those 2 legs. Den I went down to da barn house cuz dey always fill da bowls at night. Dey wuz empty too. Now I wuz a gittin ticked. Next I went over to that yappy leetle pomeranian's house. Those 2 legs don't get up early anymore an that bowl wuz empty too. I's so hungry I didn't think I culd make it to da shepherd's house, but I did. Empty bowl dere too.
By den it wuz bout time fer da tall 2 leg to finish hiz breakfust an gimmee da milk. Sometimes I have to call fer it, an yes I AM sayin "NOW", ya numskull. Can't ya understand simple English? He came to da door an yew know whut he done? He put down an empty bowl!!!
Wull, that wuz jist da last straw an I left. I went to da house of one of my girlfriends' way down da road hoping that crowd she runs with might have dropped some crumbs on da porch. Nuttin. I looked in her window an could see her bowl filled with da dry stuff. I hate da dry stuff but I woulda eaten it then. I called an called fer her but one a those 2 legs opened da door an threw water at me! I left, an could see her watchin me from da window. This is my only picture of her. Aint she purty?
When I wuz a-leavin her place, I got a whiff of fish, tuna I believe. Finally, someone with a little sense was going to feed their king. It was da house of da tall and short 2 legs, Mutt and Jeff I call em. Jeff must be awake now. She has a speech impediment that pert near drives me crazy. It sounds a lot like da sound the-monster-that-makes-da-grass-short makes when it goes over a rock. It seems to stop when she sees me, so I went to help her. I smelled tuna but it was on a shelf I couldn't reach. Why in tarnation would she do that? I called an she came to da door carryin my bowl. Weren't much in there, but I wuz hungry, so I took a bite. Yuck! I've tasted bad tuna in my time, but this was the wurst! Still, it was food, so I took another bite. Blech! It was awful, bitter stuff. I decided I'd eat grass rather than eat that stuff, but Jeff was petting me, and it felt good so I stayed for a minute. I dont' think she has ever petted me that long before, and it brought back a happy memory from my kittenhood, so I stayed, even though I was starving.
Then Jeff went into da house and left da door open. I poked my head in just to see iffin she was getting something better to eat. She was. She got some turkey. I luv turkey. Luv, luv, luv. Then she went an wiped some of that rotten tuna on it. Still, it was better than nuttin, so I ate it. Wasn't bad except the part that had da tuna stuff on it. Then she sat on the floor and started petting me again. I was feeling really funny, like I was drifting in the wind. Then it was hard to keep walking, but I didn't want her to stop petting me. I wasn't feeling right and knew I had to get outta there. But she followed me out da door and then picked me up. I wanted to reach around and bite her but I just didn't have the energy.
Then Mutt came over and they took me into the garage. I don't like the garage. There's a cage in there. I have bad memories of cages. Mutt and Jeff were talking, looking at their watches, putting on gloves, and petting me. I rubbed against the cage. It felt good and I hadn't seen it before, so I looked in. Before I knew it, they were pushing me into the cage and even though I used my finely honed claws on them, it didn't faze them at all. I was trapped. I looked around and there was a little opening in the side. I lunged for it. My head went through but I couldn't get my shoulders through. I backed out to get a running jump on it, and Mutt slammed the gate on the little opening. Then, he picked up the cage and put me in the big white box on wheels.
These 2 legs are so weak they can't go anywhere without their boxes on wheels. That's why I am the King and they are mere subjects. I despise 2 legs; they don't have the strength and endurance to survive on their own, but as their king, it is my duty to train them.
The white box was surprisingly comfortable, and I was beginning to nod off when we finally came to a stop. Jeff picked up the cage and carried it into another building. I knew from the smell that it wasn't a good place and I mustered all my energy to give them a roar that told them that I was their king. They ignored me. Then Jeff left me there surrounded by the enemy.
A 2 leg in a white coat came over and made the cage smaller and smaller until I was squeezed between the walls and couldn't move. A sharp pain in my neck and the next thing I knew, I was back in Mutt and Jeff's garage. I was in a different cage, and it was warm and dark. I heard Jeff's voice and the darkness lifted while she opened the gate. This was my chance to escape but I couldn't move my legs. I saw her hand coming in and tried to catch it with my teeth, but I missed. She straightened out my neck and I drifted off in the darkness again.
The next time I awoke, I was alone in the dark and I had a pain in my bum. Must have been when they pushed me into that cage. I heard Jeff come into the garage and I started crying. I hated myself for this weakness but I couldn't stop. What was wrong with me! She spoke to me in a soothing voice and she poked a straw through the cage and then let some water run out. Then she dropped an ice cube into my cage. What?!!! Was she trying to drown me, a teaspoon at a time? I vowed to myself that I would get even, no matter how long it took. I knew I should go to work on the cage, but I couldn't see where the openings were in the dark. Instead, I plotted my revenge on the 2 legs. Even prisoners get a potty break eventually.
I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. My bum is still a little sore, but it was probably the best night's sleep I've had in years. No matter, I will not be weak. I will get my revenge. I've got it all figured out. I'll hang around all day watching them, pretend to be nice to them until they let down their defenses, and then I'll attack. They'll never know what hit them. But I just don't feel like it right now. I don't know why, but I don't even feel like seeing any of my girlfriends. I need to beat up that great dane again, but not today. Right now I just want to eat, sleep, and sing a little soprano.
Until next time when I will own this computer, may you be obedient,
The King
