Ten Reasons Why The Dog Must Go

Today I'd like to welcome a guest blogger, Buddy The Cat. After reading my last few posts, he would like equal time to express his point of view.

In the last few days, I have been much maligned by the writer of this blog, and I just want to say that my actions and attitude are in the best interest of my family. And the best interest of my family is NOT to have a dog, not even temporarily. Why, you ask?

Number one: dogs are noisy. They bark all the time for no reason at all, and this one can't even tell the difference between a predator and a dishwasher door. (Yes, she was barking at the dishwasher today.)

Number two: dogs stink. Even when they bathe themselves, they still stink. In fact, it is my professional opinion that dogs smell worse after bathing themselves than they did before. The other day, mom and dad gave this usurper a bath in the yard. Afterward, the little mutt did smell a little better, and what did she do? She immediately started rolling on the ground and licking herself. And now she stinks again. Falling into the pond may have something to do with her current smell, and I want to say again that I am innocent. It is hardly my fault if she followed me to the one wobbly rock on the edge of the pond where I demonstrated my uncanny ability to bend over to the water without falling in. I think she would have drowned if mom hadn't reached in and pulled her out. (Note to self: try that again when no one is around.)

Number three: dogs are destructive. This little pest has only been here six days and she has already broken my food dish, and destroyed some of mom's flowers. Sure, I like to crawl into the tall flowers and be the invisible mighty hunter, but I don't trample EVERY single flower in EVERY single flower bed. Dogs have no sense of restraint.

Number four: dogs are too compliant. Their willingness to do anything a human asks does nothing to keep humans on their toes. A cat's recalcitrant attitude is not only accepted, but expected by humans. So much so that the occasional obedience is praised as something extraordinary and rewarded handsomely. In the last few days, I've kept up a low growl and avoided both dog and mom and dad. But when I've stopped growling long enough to rub their legs, I've gotten more cuddles than I have had in weeks.

Number five: dogs eat too much. Oh sure, I don't have to eat the dog food, but that is part of my plan to starve her out of here. I have eaten enough dog food in the last six days to feed a clowder of cats. The stuff tastes terrible too, but I'll suffer through for the good of my family.

Number six: dogs poop too much and they don't know how to use a litter box. Seriously, these beasts have no manners. They do their business wherever they happen to be the moment the urge strikes. It's slovenly behavior and causes more work for mom and dad. Plus, I have to watch where I step now. How uncouth.

Number seven: dogs are expensive. This puppy has only been here six days and already mom has spent over fifty dollars on food, toys, and vet bills. When I came here, it only cost.... ok, scratch that. She's not more expensive yet. But it could happen.

Number eight: dogs have no respect for personal space. That thing is always underfoot, always in front of the gate or door, and always in my face. I have done my best to try to teach her to keep her distance, both for my safety and for that of my family. And what do I get? Reprimands. It's frustrating to see how gullible my people have become. A cute little puppy licking their toes now is a full grown monster with paws on their shoulders and jaws around their necks in just a few months. I have to protect them. I alone have the razor sharp weapons and lightning fast speed to combat this evil.

Number nine: dogs can't purr. Everyone knows that purring is relaxing, both for the cat and the people - as long as they keep scratching my chin and ears. The best dogs can do is wag their tails. Yeah, like that's unique.

Last and most important, number ten: this is war. There may be a truce from time to time, but it is only for planning strategy. Every time I am crouched and ready to spring when she walks by, mom tells me to "be nice" and spoils my timing. There is no being nice in war. It's a fight to the finish and I refuse to give any more ground. That dog already has my food bowl (or had), my carrier (not that I want to be in it, I just don't want her in it), my favorite napping spots, my kitchen bed, and my people. I very carefully groomed these people; they're mine. There is only one acceptable outcome, so watch out dogface.

Sincerely, Buddy T. Cat