No, I don’t mean the national debt or China and Russia circling overhead with saliva dripping from their fangs. Mixed metaphors aside, I am talking about something much more serious. I am talking about crime, folks. Crime caused by adults acting like children. It’s a pandemic that is sweeping the nation. Here are some of the new crimes you should be aware of, and how to protect yourself from being charged.
Crime #1: Shoulder tapping
Did you know that it is now a crime to tap someone on the shoulder in a movie theater? Yep, just ask Brenda Godwin because it happened to her. The big 136 pound hairdresser assaulted the diminutive 220 pound former athlete with her insanely strong index finger and caused the poor man to have whiplash so severe that he had to be treated by paramedics. Meanwhile, she was charged with a misdemeanor. You can read about it here and here. Why would she do such a horrendous thing? Because he was texting in front of her and totally ruining the movie she had traveled 1300 miles to experience.
How can you protect yourself from being charged with this crime? The newspaper article said you should find theater personnel and have them deal with the texter. However, that takes five to fifteen minutes out of your popcorn munching, soda slurping, tear wiping, movie experience. And what is the theater personnel going to do to get the attention of someone engrossed in their texting? That’s right, they are going to tap the inconsiderate slob on the shoulder. And while you are gone from your seat, you missed something vitally important in the movie and you won’t have a clue what is going on for the next hour.
So save yourself the time and aggravation, and deal with the situation yourself, totally hands-off. Just lean in the direction of the texter, and whisper this simple phrase to the person next to you: “Are those bed bugs crawling up that guy’s back?”
Crime #2: Wildlife Rescue
Did you know that it is a crime to rescue a wild animal left to die in a trap? Yes again, and you can ask Bonnie Bradshaw who did just that. This overpowering bully so intimidated some apartment managers that they were struck dumb and couldn’t do anything but nod in agreement when she told them she was taking the animal and traps to a rescue center. She was also charged with a misdemeanor. You can read about it here.
What can you do to protect yourself in this situation? Oh sure, you can call SPCA and let them put the animal on their rescue list and hope they get to it in a few days. Or you can stick your bare hand into the cage with a thirst-deranged wild animal, snap a leash onto it, and take it to the SPCA yourself. Or you can save everyone the trouble with these simple questions to the apartment personnel.
“Do you have enough insurance to cover the kids who stick their hands in the cage? And by the way, has everyone here had their rabies shots?”
Crime #3: Growing vegetables
Did you know it’s a crime to grow vegetables in your own front yard? Sad, but true. Just ask Julie Bass who willfully and knowingly planted such with the malicious intent and purpose of going green and eating healthy. This pushy rule breaker had the audacity to call the city to make sure the garden complied with restrictions, and when they told her the code said she could plant “suitable live plant material”, she planted live veggies that indeed suited her space. Then she was charged with a misdemeanor. You can read about that one here. Who turned her in for this crime? Probably the cookie monster, The Burger King, or some other lachanophobiaist.
How can you protect yourself from this crime? Plant marijuana (or have some other illegal activity) in your backyard and I guarantee all the attention will be diverted away from your front yard, no matter what is growing in it. You'll still be charged with a crime, a felony this time, but at least it will be deserved.
Crime #4: Drinking soda at the airport
Did you know it’s a crime to drink soda in front of TSA officials? That and smuggling applesauce was the charge against Nadine Hays. This 58 year old terminator and her 94 year old terminally ill mother wrestled a TSA official to the floor to get the applesauce out of an ice cooler and then beat the official to a pulp with the cooler. This offspring of Ma Barker was also charged with a misdemeanor. You can read about it here. Why did she do it? She claimed the TSA’s own restrictions allowed carry on food for people with special dietary needs and that she notified them in advance, but we all know it was to flaunt real food in front of people who only get to eat peanuts on the flight.
How can you protect yourself from this charge? Oh sure, you can leave the cooler at home and buy food at your destination, but if you insist on taking your own food on the plane, just be ready to go into this act. When the TSA officials see the cooler, make sure mama has a great, big, falling-on-the-floor, writhing fit. And nothing will help except the magic applesauce in the cooler. Have mama practice at home on the bed so the bruises won’t give away the act.
. . .
And what side am I on, you ask? Neither. Both. It doesn’t matter. My intent is just to poke fun at people, at government, and at silly situations. And yes, there was rampant use of literary license in the above stories.
Now let me take my tongue out of my cheek for a moment to ask a few questions and make my last comments.
What is happening to people that we need to have an intermediary for every encounter between another person? Why can’t we work things out person to person without involving the police or suing each other? Something is rotten in the state of America, dear Marcellus, and it is us. And perhaps that IS why our economy is in crisis, and why China and Russia are lying in wait.
I dare you, no, I double dog dare you to do something. The next time someone annoys you about something, grit your teeth, smile, and tell them it’s okay. Then wish them well, and go on your way. Now I’m not talking about being rear-ended on the freeway, I’m talking about about someone who brings their shrieking kids to the restaurant (my personal peeve), or someone who slows down the line ahead of you by digging through their pockets, someone who blocks the whole aisle at the grocery store, or something equally harmless but annoying.
Have a good day my friends.