Whaaa? You mean me?
Yes you. Just look at yourself slouching in that chair. You look buzzed.
It's the Crispies, man. I need them to relax.
You know I'm not a man, right?
Figure of speech. Where are those Crispies anyway. This inquisition is making me anxious. I need me some Crispies.
You've had enough. Let's get back to the topic about you being weird.
You're calling me weird? What about Psycho Kitty? Now that chick was seriously weird.
True, but Psycho Kitty was scary weird, you're funny weird. Well, sometimes you're scary weird. Like the time I was petting you and you suddenly freaked out and grabbed my arm, and now I bear the mark of the beast from my wrist to my elbow.
Oh yeah. About that, I think that was from Crispies withdrawal.
That was before I had ever bought you any treats. That was when you first started living in the garage and didn't mind the sounds of any of the saws, hammers, or air guns, and then when all was quiet, you flipped out.
Aren't you glad you started buying me Crispies? See how calm I have become? I need some now. I need 'em bad.
Forget the Crispies. You had some five minutes ago. Maybe you need a Crispies intervention.
Naooooooww! Not that. Anything but that. Let's not talk about scary weird. You said funny weird, what's that? Say something nice about me.
Something nice, ok, you're really soft right now, and pretty good about keeping down the rodent population. Lizards too. I wish you wouldn't leave the spare parts in hard to reach places though.
You want to know what is funny weird? How about how you walk on the edge of the deck when you walk beside me, and then fall off the edge of the deck because there's not enough room? Why not just walk on the other side of me where there's more room?
Would you believe I'm trying to protect you? No? Well, it might be a control thing, so you go where I want you to go.
Why is it that every time you walk up to me and I bend over to pet you, you suddenly tip over and fall flat on your side?
You make me weak in the knees? I dunno, I like it when you have to bend down farther to pet me.
What about when you're sitting in the chair, like now, and start chasing your tail and then fall off the chair?
I thought it was a mouse. It's a huge disadvantage being the same color as mice you know.
Mice are brown.
You mean I'm colorblind? See how hard my life is? I need some Crispies now.
Why do you drink out of the toilet when there is filtered water in your bowl?
What can I say? It's a cat thing. Besides, that blub blub sound and the bubbles inside the waterer make me nervous. Crispies would help that. How about an Auto Crispies Feeder?
You sometimes eat, or even drink, upside down.
Another cat thing. Let's move on. You know, none of this is all that weird. Is that all you've got on me?
One last thing. Why do you roll in ant beds?
Can I plead the fifth? ... ... Interview is over, no one needs to know about my private life. ... ... I'm outta here. ... ... Open the door. ... ... Open the door now. ... ... I'm sitting with my back to you. ... ... No, don't talk to me, I can't hear you. La la la la mi mi mi mi ow ow ow ow... I can't hear you. ... ... Open the door.
The public deserves to hear about this. After all, it does prove that you are the weirdest.
While walking through the yard, Buddy will sniff at the ground and either walk off or start pawing at it. If he paws at it, there is usually an ant bed there. After he has them sufficiently agitated, he plops down into the ant bed, rolls back and forth, then gets up and strolls off. Soon, he is twitching, jumping, scratching, and biting himself. I'd like to help him, but I'd end up with the mark of the beast on both arms if I touched him when he is like this.
As soon as he stops twitching, he will walk back over to the ant bed, stick his paw in it, and if the ants cover his paw quickly, he will do it all over again. Or he might go off in search of another ant bed.
He didn't just do this once. He does it nearly every day. He has a bizarre, masochistic, fascination with ants.
I've only seen him stir up a fire ant bed once. That looked painful. He yowled in addition to all the twitching, biting and scratching when he was jumping around the yard that time. Most of the time he finds smaller ants, seeming to prefer the crazy ants. Crazy ants, crazy cat. Go figure.
So what do you have to say for yourself Buddy?
I can't hear you. .. ... Open the door.
Want some Crispies? Milk flavor?
Those are my favorite! I love the milk puff Crispies. I love being inside when it's cold outside.
And me? Do you love me?
Scratch more to the right and I'll think about it.